not sure...

I really can't tell if the Predn.isone is helping or not. Sometimes I think yes, absolutely. And others, I hear him wheezing away and wonder if anything will help. I guess I have a few more days to wait it out...but at the same time I need to figure out what to do by Wednesday, because we're off for vacation for 5 days (yeah Ocean City!). I will do whatever I have to. I have everything crossed that it makes a big difference fast. At least Dr D will not make him suffer forever and the next step is seeing a specialist. I really love Dr. D, and their whole practice. Nothing like loving the doctors who have your kids lives in their hands.

Last night was fun. Damascus had their parade, so we went to that and saw fireworks. Before the parade, we went to my friend L's place, and had pizza and let the kids run wild for a bit. There were a few other kids there too. They were all outside playing, and the adults were inside. B, my friend's daughter, came in pouty about not wanting to play outside. A few minutes later, Nathan went outside to check on them, and one kid (someone I'd never met before) has Celia in a toddler swing, and is spinning her around and around, while she was screaming for her to stop. This kid was at least 5, and NOT listening at all. My husband ran over there, and got Celia out of the swing. Of course she's screaming and balling, and he looks at her and her neck has a huge brush burn on it. Apparently she got caught on the chain, and when the girl was twisting her in the swing, it hurt her- thus the screaming to stop. I took her inside and got her cleaned up, and changed (she had peed her self- though this time I completely understood). And I had no clue what really happened because I didn't see it...but the other mom was talking to her daughter about what had happened. Thankfully my friend L yelled at the kid a bit, because her mom wasn't at all. I didn't realize how much Celia got hurt until I changed her- she not only has a huge brushburn on her neck, she's got one on her shoulder, and a chunk of hair got pulled out (right from the swirl on the back of her head). Poor thing, I would have been way more upset than she was. Thankfully she's fine. I just feel horrible.

Phew.

All is clear. The chest Xray was completely clear. I'm sooo relieved!! Dr D put him on Pred.nisone now for 5 days, twice a day. IF this doesn't help, we get to see a "lung doctor" to see what else could be going on. But he really expects that the new drug will make a difference. I'm really hoping. My poor guy has been poked and prodded enough already!

what's worse than the 2ww??

Waiting 4 hours between having your 4 1/2 month old's chest Xray and finding out the results. I'm going out of my mind with worry! Monday when we saw Dr D (who I love!), he said to call him friday and let him know how Seth's breathing has been. If it's getting better, then we're good to go, if not, then we need to figure out what to do next. So I call this morning, and update the nurse, who says she'll let Dr. D know, and that he'll call me back. At 11, my phone rings, and we chat for a few minutes. He decides that the next thing to do is to send Seth for a chest Xray, and that he's faxing the order over immediately and that he'll see us at 4:30 to go over the results. He said that he's definitely concerned that Seth is still wheezing, after 3-4 weeks. And that the meds are only slightly helping. Please let my little boy be OK. Please.

One year later...

I can't believe that one year ago, I had my transfer. Two tiny embryos were transferred, one of which is now my son. It blows my mind every time I look at him, hold him, hear him breathe, cry, or laugh. I was starting to believe that maybe my SIL was right...that maybe I shouldn't have any more kids. Maybe I was a horrible mother and I didn't deserve to have any more children. But I knew in my heart that I was a great mother, and that my daughter was a happy kid. And that I wanted to at least try to do everything I could to give her a sibling. It was such a hard choice to go ahead and do IVF. I had said, less than a year before, that if IUIs didn't work, that I didn't want to go down that road. That if it wasn't working, then maybe it wasn't meant to be. Until the insurance company denied our IUIs, and we had no other options. If I didn't at least try, I'd regret it forever. If I didn't at least try, I'd never forgive myself. So, try we did. And we were successful. It still shocks and amazes me.

I remember sitting in my house, after my transfer, on bed rest. Wondering what was going to happen next. Wondering if it would work, or how many more times I could go through it IVF if it didn't. Unsure of what I'd do if it didn't work. Unsure of how it would be if it did. Every night when my husband did the PIO shots, I hoped that it would help things work. At my friend's wedding, I was matron of honor, and it was in a catholic church. I am Jewish, but for some reason I felt compelled to just sit there and pray. Prayed that these babies or baby held on. Prayed that I would come out of this a stronger person. Prayed that I'd have a baby in my arms by this time next year. Prayed that I'd be OK if I didn't. I had never done that before. After the wedding, we went on our vacation, and a few days in, I took my first of several HPTs that came up with two lines. I still remember the feeling when I POAS, set it down, looked at it and thought it was negative. Put picked it up and looked at it in the light and there it was, clear as day...a second line. I remember telling my mom, and having her tell me that it was too early to know for sure...that she hoped it was real, but if it wasn't that she'd be there.

This past year has been both the worst and best of my life. IVF was horrible. And I only had to do it once. I don't know that I could have done it more than once. It took it's toll on me, my husband, and our marriage. It changed me forever. Yet I am so grateful to have my son, and know it never would have been possible without IVF. How something so awful can bring such joy in the end, I'll never fully comprehend.

Now, I sit here. My son is sick and he's sleeping on the sofa. I look at him every few minutes and see him sleeping peacefully. I use his neb, rock him and sing to him while he cries, and do everything I can to make him feel better. Because I'm his mom, and that's my job. I had always wondered if I could ever love another human being as much as I love my daughter. Celia is my pride and joy. And now, that Seth is here, I know the answer to that is absolutely yes. I love my son so much more than I ever thought possible. In such a different way than I love my daughter. They both hold my heart in their hands, and my life would not be the same without either one of them. I am so incredibly lucky to have them, and I look forward to the next years. And every year, around my birthday, I'll remember the day that my son was transferred, and decided to make himself a home.

still sick

This has not been a fun week! Seth has still been wheezing a lot, and we've been using the albuter.ol non-stop without much relief. We went in for his 4 month appointment (a little late, oops) yesterday. He's growing well, but is still laboring to breathe. So the vaccines got put off to next week. The Dr asked if the neb was helping, to which I said not really. Then, he decided to add another medication to the neb, called Pulmi.cort (I think...I don't have it in front of me). This med seems to really be helping.

However, he took a nap yesterday afternoon and woke up with a fever of 102. So Nathan stayed home with him, and I called to see what we should do. The Dr we saw yesterday is in a different office on Tues, so they saw another doc, who said he's likely got a virus (probably Roseola), and we have to wait it out. At least his lungs were clear, as well as his ears. Since he's on antibiotics, it's likely viral. Gotta love day care. Tomorrow I'll be home with him, and we'll see from there. Poor baby. He didn't sleep well last night (which means I didn't sleep much last night either). And his temp was up to 101.5 at the office. I really feel awful when he's sick. It just breaks my heart.

better?

I think Seth is doing better. At least his mood is better, and he's sleeping better, so I call that a win! He went back to day care today, since they're able to use the nebulizer for him. He got one treatment while at day care today, and another when we got him home. Of course he passed out before I could do one more before bed, so my husband will have to do it in the middle of the night when he wakes up. Poor baby is still wheezing like crazy. And it's hard to know when to worry. When he gets upset or cranky, he wheezes more. But then again, sitting in his swing or bouncer, or on his mat, he still wheezes even when he's playing quietly. Even an hour after the al.buterol, he's still wheezing. His Pediatrician said to call if it got worse...but what is worse? It's really about what it has been for at least a week and a half to two weeks now. Maybe I'll call tomorrow. Though he does have an appointment on monday, so maybe I'll just wait. I hate this! I am always worried about wasting the Drs time. I know it's silly, but I really do worry about that.

Work has been crazy. The last few nights I've been up til at least 10 working. But since I stayed home monday and tuesday, I did have work to make up, and make sure I didn't have to take any actual time off. Especially because if I do take time off, I will be a few hours short on time for our mini-vacation at the beach in 2 weeks. 5 days at the beach, and I can't wait! I so need the break! And, its' a long weekend this weekend, so I'm really excited! I'm hoping to finally prime and paint the bathroom, so I can post pics of our new bathroom!

Celia has hit a milestone- 2 days in a row dry!!! I'm over the moon with excitement, and am really hoping that she's starting to come around. My fingers are crossed. That's 4 days in the last 2 weeks! This is the best she's done in nearly 5 months.

I need sleep...I'm exhausted. I've been working on this post about how it feels to be 1 year past transfer, but it's emotionally draining, so it's taking me some time. Hopefully this weekend I'll find a block of time and just hammer it out.

sick.

Seth is sick. Sunday night, I should have figured out that something was going on when around 10PM, he was still awake. And cranky. My usually very content baby was irritable. So Monday morning when he woke up and felt warm, I knew why he was cranky the night before. While he was warm, his temp wasn't too high, so I figured I'd keep him home and monitor him to see how he was doing. No sense in taking him to day care, only to have them call me an hour later to pick him up. So I took a shower and went back and forth on whether to take him to the doc. Then I remembered a skype chat I had had with Nathan last week, where I told him that I was mildly concerned about Seth's breathing. He had been congested for a few weeks, and almost sounded like he was wheezing. But of course, with work, and other things, I didn't hear it again, so I never took him. After I showered I asked Nathan what he thought, and said that if I was keeping him home, there was no harm in getting him checked out. So I did. And I am SO glad that I did.

Apparently, Seth has an ear infection in his left ear. Which the Dr had to clean out because it was too waxy to even see in there. Definitely infected. And as he's examining him, he's asking me "how long has he been breathing like this?", to which I say probably for about a week or so...maybe longer, but not consistently. Yeah, he's definitely wheezing. A lot. And you can see him working to breathe in his abdomen. So he set us up with a nebulizer in the office, gave him a dose of al.buterol, and then listened again. Thankfully the wheezing had gotten better, so he sent us home with a script for antibiotics for the ear and al.buterol for the neb (which we already have one of from Celia's bouts with croup). So far his mood has been a bit better at times, a bit worse at times. And his breathing is still not great. In fact, I'm off to use the neb again. At least I now know that he weighs 15.8 pounds. When did that happen?! And we go back next monday for his 4 month check up (yeah...a little late, kind of forgot to call until right before his 4 month birthday), and to talk about his breathing. Probably get him tested and stuff. Poor baby.