broken

The only way I can describe how I feel right now is broken. I have a huge hole in my heart. It kind of surprises me, how hard I'm taking the passing of my Zoey. I love(d) this cat more than anything. She was my "furbaby" for 6 plus years, almost her whole life. Yet I'm surprised that my heart is crushed. That I feel nauseous. That I just want her back.

I know we did the right thing in letting her go. She was not in her prime. The end was inevitable. We knew it was coming, and that it was unfair to keep her alive just for us, when she wasn't well. But it hurts like hell having her gone.

Last night before bed, I was laying there, under the covers. And I swear that I felt her jump on the bed and lay on my feet. But when I looked over, no one was there. It was all in my imagination. Same thing happened this morning. I was taking my shower this morning, and our other cat (Trinity), walked in and sat on the toilet and watched me. Then she looked back towards the door, expecting Zoey to come in and bang on the shower door (she liked to jump in and get wet whenever anyone took a shower). She looked confused when she wasn't coming. And it broke my heart.

Celia is doing OK with it all. We've told her that Zoey is in Heaven. Not that I'm sure that I really believe in Heaven, but it's at least a way to explain it to a 4 and a half year old. She's in a place where she can run around outside, lay in the sun, chase butterflies, eat and drink as much as she wants, and jump in the shower whenever she feels like it. She's not sick anymore. She's healthy, and happy, and having fun. I really miss my little Zoey. Her sweet head, I loved to kiss her head. I think the thing that hurts the most is that I was the one who had to make the call. I was the one who told the vet that it was time to let her go. And I am the one who originally kept forgetting to call and take her in to get checked. We could have caught it earlier, treated it sooner, and probably had her around for much, much longer. And even though looking at the "what if's" is not exactly the best thing, I can't help it and I do blame myself somewhat. I should have called the vet sooner. But I didn't. And she got really sick, and she's gone, and I have to live with that.

I just really miss her. And I know the pain will fade eventually, but for now it is raw. And real. And I do feel broken.