Friday, November 30, 2007


I just tried calling my high risk doc back to find out what was going on, and I got the same nurse I spoke with the other day. Apparently she had my chart right in front of her, and was going to finish calling patients back by 4. At any rate, I'm glad I called. The answer is to increase my night-time dose from 5 mg to 7.5 mg. Hopefully this will help!! I really want this to help! I really, really don't want to have to do the combo of oral meds and insu.lin. Not something I really want to deal with.

We actually had a really fun night last night! We never took anything out to make for dinner, so instead we went out. As we were trying to figure out where, Nathan reminded me that we had a coupon sitting on the fridge that we had wanted to use, that expired last night! So, we used it, and went to Melting Pot for dinner. I was impressively well behaved, for me! And since Celia was with us, it was actually a bit more fun than romantic, which was great. We got the big night out for $14 off, which was great. And I was really impressed that they didn't charge us anything else for the little bit that Celia ate. Hard to tell what that kind of restaurant will do. We got the cheddar cheese fondue, and I ate mostly the vegetables, a few apple pieces, and a few pieces of bread, but not much. Then the meat, which was amazing. For dessert, I had mostly bananas and strawberries with the original chocolate- and he even gave us a little extra Peanut Butter in it- extra protein is good! Plus a tiny piece of pound cake and two rice krispy treats (apparently their new dessert dipper). Celia was hilarious! She had mostly the bread and apples with cheese. A bite of mushroom (which is a shock, she usually loves them), and bananas. She made a mess, but she had a lot of fun doing it. We weren't sure how well she'd sit, since dinner there usually takes 2 solid hours, but she did great! And going on a weeknight was a really good idea. We got seated right away without a reservation!!

Today I had a craft show at work, which went pretty well. I sold a bracelet, a skein of yarn, and a few cards. Tomorrow I have a much bigger craft show at a community center in Rockville, which I'm a bit nervous about. Just trying not to think about it at all, really. I'm excited though. Hopefully it will go well!!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

still no call...

I'm calling back in the morning if I don't hear back by then. I faxed over my sugars yesterday morning, and still no idea what the heck I'm supposed to do!!

And, this morning, my level was 108. Bad, bad, bad! And did I behave last night? Yes! I had a little bit of Ravioli for dinner, but mostly ate the meatballs, and not much of the pasta or sauce. So annoying that my body won't cooperate.

On the plus side, I saw my OB this morning. He spent some extra time going through my records and tests that we've done, which was great. We repeated my pap, so hopefully it is all fine. Apparently the results before were "unsatisfactory", whatever that means. And he was pleased that I'm feeling better with iron supplements. And not exactly thrilled with my sugars, but happy that we're working on it. And glad that everything else is good. That's when I pretty much said that this was it for me, and I not going to ever go through this again. He laughed, and said that he couldn't figure out why? With the IVF, the loss of the second baby, the sugar issues, the iron, the pap, and everything else (I'm sure I'm missing one thing at least)... He then said that when he's in there doing the C-section, that he can easily do a tubal ligation if I want him to. I told him that I was definitely thinking about it, but that it will definitely either be that or my husband taking care of things. So I'm thinking about it. As I have been. And I go back in 3 weeks. BUT, on the amazingly plus side, I do not have to take the GD screening test!! No Glucola for me!! I've already been diagnosed and in treatment for GD, so there's no need to test for it. I could have hugged him when he said that! The stuff is nasty. And, the 3 hour blood test after my results would have come back high isn't necessary either! Thank goodness something went my way.

And thanks for all of your comments yesterday! Some great ideas, and I'm definitely going to try some. Had a cheese omlette this morning, and it was pretty good. I think this weekend, I may try to make a crustless Quiche (which was my boss' suggestion). One other annoying thing? You know what else count as carbs?? Fruit! And Potatoes, and corn. And Tomato sauce. And milk. I love fruit, potatoes, corn, and especially milk! And I have to really limit them. If I wasn't starving all the time, it would be easier. I gave Celia a little warm milk before bed (she kept saying she was hungry) to take away the hungries. It was so hard not to have some myself. I love warm milk. Especially when it's stirred up with some Hershey's cocoa , a splenda and a pinch of salt. My favorite snack during the winter. And healthy, because it's got milk, splenda, and unsweetened cocoa. And it's impressive- between the last 2 weeks, when I should be gaining weight- I managed to LOSE 3 pounds. Just from changing my diet. Gotta love that. I hope I don't get yelled at for too much weight loss again.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

waiting by the phone.

So, when I saw the high risk doc last Wed, she upped my gly.buride dose from 2.5mg twice a day to 5mg twice per day to help with my outrageous fasting levels. They haven't been good. They're supposed to be below 90. And they've ranged from 100 to 118 for about 2 weeks. She said that if it didn't help, to call back. Since we were away for Turkey day, I figured I'd wait until I was home for a few days, and eating much better, to worry. this morning, it was 109. Not good at all. The rest of my levels have been perfect though. And I've really cut the amount of carbs I've been eating. Let me tell you how much I hate eating eggs every day for breakfast...but I'm doing it. No carbs before lunch. So difficult!! Especially when I'm starving!!

So, I just called a few minutes ago, to see what I should do. The person I spoke with (nurse I think), asked me to fax the sheet over, and she'd look at my levels and talk with the doc. Then get back to me. So now I wait to find out what I'm supposed to do. I know that the high fasting levels are not good. I'm doing mostly what I can to fix them, yet they're still horrible. Very annoying. Granted my diet isn't perfect. But about 90% of the time, it is. At least in the last week it has been. I think I'm going to turn into an egg. If anyone has suggestions of something that is protein, with no carbs, that I can eat for breakfast without making me want to hurl, I'm open to ideas. This morning I took a sausage patty and chopped it into the pan and cooked it before adding the eggs. I'm definitely going to head to Bed Bath and Beyond this weekend to pick up a microwave poacher. I love poached eggs, but they're a hassle to make on the stove top every morning. And, I can't eat them every day without wanting to hurl.

Believe me, though it sounds like I"m complaining, I don't mind it too much. I'll eat eggs daily. I'll give up carbs before noon. I'll do whatever it takes. It's just really hard sometimes.

I'm also trying to come to terms with the fact that this will be our last child. I can't afford (healthwise) to have gest.ational dia.betes a third time. Especially when things get pretty well out of hand so early on. It scares the crap out of me. Does this mean I'm just a few years away from type 2? I'm going to do the best I can to prevent that from happening (if it's not too late already). I want to be around to raise my kids, and see them get married and have families. I don't want to risk that. And my husband was even hesitant in trying for a second child, because it worries him. This time, he's told me that he wants to get a vas.ectomy, to ensure that I don't get pregnant again. As if it would happen anyways! But it is a nice thought- he is so worried about me, and my health, that he'd rather kill off his chances of fathering any more children, than risk my health. I know it's sweet. And it's amazing that he's so willing. But I can't help but be sad that this really will be my last pregnancy.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Home again

It feels so good to be home! I'm really hoping that this is the last year we'll have to travel for holidays. Thakfully for Hanukkah and Christmas, we'll be staying put. We had a great trip though! We got to see my aunt and uncle and their 2 kids (ages 5 and 3), which Celia loved. She played for hours with her cousins! Thaksgiving dinner was the best I've had in a long time! My mom and I work really well as a team in the kitchen. Everything was absolutely perfect. And it was good to see my step brothers again. I also got to meet my dad's new girlfriend, who seems really great. I was glad to see him smiling agian.

Then Saturday, was a day to ourselves! My mom and step dad took Celia and my cousin to see The Nutcracker downtown, which she absolutely loved. My mom had found a childrens book of the story, and we must have read it to Celia a dozen times before the Ballet. And she absolutely loved it!! She's been talking about it like crazy, and can't wait to see another ballet. While they did the Nutcracker, Nathan and I went and talked briefly with a homebuilder. We decided that we don't want to build a house when we move back to Buffalo, which is a really huge step. I thought for sure it was what I wanted, but after seeing the location, homes, and other areas where homes are going up, we decided to work with a realtor when the time comes, and find the perfect house for us. It will save us tens of thousands, and probably be bigger and in a better area. I'm excited about this decision though. We also went to my favorite ice cream place. I used to go there once a year or so when I was growing up, and let me tell you- the place has not changed a bit. It still smells the same, and everything tastes the same. I was in pure heaven. And we went to a great local Italian place for dinner. Talk about the perfect day!

The drive back today wasn't too bad. Exactly 8 hours from my mom's driveway to Red Robin. It's so good to be home! I can't wait to sleep in my own bed tonight. And tomorrow, it's back to the grind.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!!

EDITED: To answer Becky's questions- It was Antionettes on the Hill in West Seneca. By far the best hot butterscotch with hot fudge sundae I've ever had! And we're thinking Amherst. Close to both parents, and closer to Rochester than the Southtowns would be. I can't wait!!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

And the verdict is in!!

Appointment went really well! Heart is perfect, growth is perfect, amniotic fluid doubled from last time (which is good because it was pretty low last time). And...

We're having a boy!! We are all so thrilled, and excited! And now we're in Buffalo for the holiday. I plan on not using my computer much, so I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving!!

2 hours

I have my fetal echo/ultrasound in just 2 hours! Celia was up at 5:30 (thirsty), and came into bed with us. The only thing she'd talk about was seeing the baby, and going to Buffalo. It was really cute! We're heading straight out from the appointment, so I won't be able to update until at least tonight (if my mom's neighbor still has unprotected wireless). I'm pretty sure they're doing a full blown growth ultrasound too, so hopefully we'll be able to find out what we're having this time. But I'm not optimistic. Either way is good with me, I'm not picky.

I am really looking forward to heading up to Buffalo for a bit. Saturday my mom is taking Celia and my two cousins to see The Nutcracker, and no parents are allowed. ;) So Nathan and I will get a much needed break. I can't wait. We haven't been out together since July 3rd, when we were in Canandaigua.

Too cute- we're watching Sesame Street, and the letter of the day is "N". So Cookie Monster is trying to eat it, and Prarie Dawn is using "N"- words. Celia looks at me, and says "KNIT!". That's my girl!! Too bad the english language is so messed up that there are silent letters.

I'm off!!!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Phew- edited.

I just called the OBs office back, and it looks like my results were all normal, with the exception of one. He also had my iron level checked. Which is good! Because apparently I need some help in that department. I'm to take an iron supplement twice a day now, which should hopefully help with my energy levels. I knew it was a problem, so I'm glad he had that checked as well. Maybe it was my comment on my way out of my visit last time about being concerned that I almost passed out on the streets of San Francisco?

So anyone who has saw my blog last night may have seen a rather nasty post at the bottom of the one about our trip to Buffalo tomorrow. I completely flipped when Nathan said that his dad wasn't coming to Buffalo, but that Nathan was going to take Celia and go to Rochester. I was really upset, and not at all happy about this. I went to bed early, and then when Nathan came in, he woke me up by being loud and using the bathroom light without closing the door, and without using the dimmer. Needless to say I had cried myself to sleep, finally, and was woken up by him with the light, making noise getting ready for bed. So I got up, and went in the living room after it was clear that I was not going to get any sleep. Watched TV for about an hour, and tried to sleep again. I didn't sleep well at all. I was angry and frustrated, especially since he knew how I felt about going out there. We talked this morning. I think he understands better where I'm coming from, and he said he'd talk to his dad. So we'll see if things will change or not. I just really want to spend time with them over holiday weekend. And the idea of him spending over 2 hours in the car, and several hours in Rochester, while leaving me back at my mom's house really upset me. I know there's no logic to it, and I'm being completely unreasonable, but I'm tired! And want to be with my child and husband! I don't mind being left behind for 2 hours, but considering that's the time it takes to drive there, add at least 2 to that.

EDITED: My husband spoke with his dad, who is now going to come to Buffalo to meet up with us. This makes things so much easier all around. And I really do appreciate it. Just 3 hours left of work before the holiday!! Yeah!!
AND: I'm so glad I'm not losing my mind. I knew I should not be as tired as I have been. I'm glad there's actually a reason!!

Monday, November 19, 2007

not urgent??

Ok. So I was told to expect the results from my 24 hour pee collection this afternoon. I made sure to have my headphones off at work, just incase they called. They'd only call if there was a problem. I was going to call tomorrow morning, just to make sure they were clear, but still. You never know, right? No phone call, so I went to my acupuncture apointment without a worry. Great session, I fell asleep after about 10 minutes, and slept straight through. I felt incredible after it was over! Then, I got home and there was a message on the answering machine from my OBs office. The nurse called, and asked me to call back as soon as I could, but that it wasn't urgent. WTF does that mean?? I know my fasting was high Friday morning- it was 105 on my monitor. So I expected it to be high when they checked it. So, tomorrow morning, I get to call my OBs office and find out what the results were. And what I'm supposed to do about it. At least I have an appointment with my perinatologist on Wednesday morning, so things will be taken care of quickly. I'm curious to see what the "not urgent" thing is about. Hmmm....


Well, I think we're finally starting to figure out a plan for this weekend regarding my in-laws. Though I still don't know what it is. This weekend they were in Philly so my FIL could run the marathon there, so they should get back to us tonight. We'll be meeting up with my dad for dinner on Friday night. Leaving most of the day on Friday open. So, I suggested to his dad the other day, that they come out to us either for breakfast or lunch. I know my MIL is working, but my FIL isn't. So, I then said, that I'm tired. I'm feeling pretty crappy, and don't want to sit in a car any longer than I have to. So, if he doesn't want to come to us, I guess Nathan and Celia can go to them, leaving me by myself back at my mom's house. Not happy about that option etiher, but at least it gets me out of going. Though it does suck because I won't have a car so I'd really have to stay put. Relaxing wouldn't be bad though. Then I'd just be paranoid about Nathan and Celia on I-90 getting into an accident. Gotta love my mind- I'm suddenly paranoid again about such things. It's definitely been a while since I worried like that.

At least, on the plus side, I have less than a day and a half left to work before we hit the road. And, I have an acupuncture appointment tonight. Which I'm really looking forward to.

And a sick thought- I was looking at houses in Buffalo again (wishful thinking, since my husband is no where near ready to move yet), and I found a great house, with a huge yard, 4 bedrooms, an updated kitchen with stainless, and it only cost $152K. Let's just say you can't buy a condo in the DC area for that. The cheapest single family house I"ve seen that wasn't trashed, was around 450K. Just sick. Why can't we move yet?!

EDITED: Ok, so apparently Nathan will be taking Celia to Rochester some time friday.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Why I hate going home for the holidays.

I love Buffalo, in fact, I can't wait to move back in a year or so. Yes, it's cold, and they get a lot of snow, but that makes it even more fun. Snowmen, sledding, snow forts, snowdays, sweaters, excuses to make more sweaters! Lots of fun. And I hate the cold.

At any rate, we're heading up immediately after my ultrasound on wednesday. I've been looking forward to this trip for many reasons! I get to see my mom and stepdad, my dad, do some relaxing, talk with a builder or two about possibly building a house to see how feasible it is, maybe look at some neighborhoods and towns. Especially if we're planning on moving in the fall next year. It will be at least May before we get up there again, and then we'd have 3-4 months to find a place or start the process. Not exactly useful. So, I want to get started now. And I thought we both agreed that this was the plan.

Now come to Wednesday. Nathan's dad calls to see what our plans are for the weekend, and see if we can get together. I had actually spoken with his mom last week (or maybe 2 weeks ago), when she called while I was at work. I had told her that we were pretty full, but that we could possibly do something Friday provided they would come to us. I'm tired. I don't want to spend all weekend in the car. I want to have some down time. I NEED TO REST MORE (see my last OB appointment's post- he even told me to get more rest). Well, she wasn't sure if she was working or not, so that probably wouldn't work. He says that he's thinking of meeting his parents for breakfast on Thanksgiving. The day which I had previously said was not a good day. I have to help my mom cook (which I love to do- really- I'm not complaining here), and wanted Celia to help me too. She's such a great helper, and loves to be in the kitchen with me. So I told him that it wasn't going to work. Then this morning, he asks for my dad's phone number, so he can call him to find out when were getting together on Friday. I had also told him that my dad hadn't figured that out yet. He started seeing someone, and was thinking it might be nice if we could meet her since we'll be in town. But wasn't sure if that was going to work, or if it was a good idea, or what her schedule was like. She also has 2 kids. So, I told him this, and he's getting SO defensive. Now I did say that I didn't think we'd have time this visit to get out there. And that I didn't want to be driving all over the place. So he says that he'll just take Celia and go- leaving me at my mom's all alone. Now, some would think this was ideal. But it's not!! We've been up there SEVERAL times this year (like 5), and every time, we've gotten together with them. Even though we had weddings, and I had showers, and parties, and friend stuff I was at. He made it possible. This one time, that I feel strongly against putting anything else into our schedule, he's being a brat about it. I told him at least 3 months ago to arrange something for friday, so they'd come to us and we could do lunch. But he didn't. He forgot. In fact, he doesnt' even remember the conversation. I do, vividly. It's no secret that my MIL stresses me out. And I was very proud of myself for bringing it up to him, before he could ask me about it.

And the funniest part- when we were on vacation in Canandaigua this summer, (Finger lakes, about a half hour from his parents), he didn't want to call them to get together. AND I asked him about it at least 3 different times. He wasn't interested.

I'm angry, and annoyed, and frustrated with my husband. And I'm tired, because I had to pee a lot last night (which took enough time to wake me fully each time, so I could collect and save it for my test. NOT happy today.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

22 hours to go.

I'm working from home today, so I can do my 24 hour u.rine collection. Not very enjoyable, but it needs to be done. At least I get to stay home, in my PJs, while the crock-pot cooks dinner, and be productive. A script I started Monday morning finally finished at 6:30 this morning. So I can actually get something done.

And yesterday I got my "move date". With the "merger" at work, and the mass exodus, we're consoidating to one area, in the newer building. So, I apparently will be moving cubes on 11/26, so I have a few days to get things packed up. And organized- no sense moving piles of papers I don't need. It will be nice to move into the newer building (it was completed when I was on Maternity leave with Celia). It's got so much light, and the kitchen/break room right there. And the cubes are way bigger. And it's a really cool looking building (if you live in the area, it's right across from S. G. Hospital/F.alls shopping center, and it's the one with the colored windows-many consider it an eye-sore but I think it's funky).

Waiting for my blast searches to finish... shall grab a cup of tea. I love working from home!!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Auctions are FUN!!

My friend and I shared at able at a Holiday Shoppe a few weeks back (right before my trip to Cali). Last night, was the auction to generate money for the Damascus Y-women, which all goes back to the community. So, I went to see what was up for bidding. There was both a silent and a live auction, and I had a blast! I ended up bidding on a few things, and winning a few things. One of my favorite things is a 3-hours with an organizational specialist, to help me organize 1 room in our home. Now if you have seen my office, you'd realize that it's a complete disaster zone!! Seriously. It's a big mess. So bad, that this morning, I closed the door on it so that the cleaning lady wouldn't go in. It's that bad. And that disorganized. Now, every so often I spend a few hours clearing out crap, and putting things away in a way that makes sense to me, but I know the flow is all wrong. So, I'm excited for this extra help! I also got a gift basket that's for a baby girl (in case, but it'll probably be for a friend who's having a baby), a gift basket for Celia, a Tea gift basket, some Arbonne cleanser/hand lotion (which I'm so excited about- my hands are such a mess!), a 8x8 scrapbook, that's already designed and put together so all I have to do is add pictures, and a hand painted piggy bank for Celia for christmas. She's going to go crazy when she sees it- she's been wanting one for quite a while now. I'm really excited about the scrapbook too. I love to scrapbook but haven't had time lately. And, it was done by the Creative Memories consultant that I have, and she's incredible. ;) Needless to say, I got some great stuff, gave back to the community at the same time.

Now I'm feeling like total crap, and wish I could stay home. You know that feeling, like there's a bubble in your chest, and you're just waiting for it to burst (usually involving puking)? That's how I feel this morning. And all last night as I was sleeping. Unfortunately, I have to work from home tomorrow, so today wasn't an option at all. I just get to sit here, work away, and feel like i"m going to hurl all day. I couldn't eat breakfast this morning- but did manage a cup of tea. Not sitting very well though. We'll see how the day goes.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Traveling DVD.

When I was at the DC get together the other day, Karen passed on the Traveling DVD with Jenna's appearence on Oprah. I was going to take it into the bedroom and watch it on my laptop, but when I told my husband what I was going to watch, he offered the TV. And, he watched it with me (shock!!). All I can say is wow. Jenna handled herself so amazingly. I had tears in my eyes as she went into her story. So many of the things she talked about, sounded so familiar to my life. The house with extra bedrooms, driving the SUV, the shame. I'm right there with you. And then the after show. I was sitting here, thinking- enough already!! Let go and let god?? WTF?? I understand the concept of coming to peace with things, and that life doesn't always work out how you plan. But when it comes to children, and whether you can have them, or not, or whether to adopt, or live child free, it's not that easy. Not even close. It's not a choice, it's not something you can just let go. Yes, life happens, and we have to deal with it. Sometimes it's more realistic than others. Sometimes it's just not possible to let go.

My husband's comments were really interesting. To the actual segment, he said that O didn't seem to have any understanding of the questions that she asked. After watching the after show, he said that he was really glad that I don't watch O.prah. And he felt that she was awfully preachy (which I completely agree with). I'm also glad I don't watch this show at all. In fact, this was the first episode I've ever seen, and I won't be surprised if it's the last.

Thank you Jenna for putting yourself out there like that, and for sharing your story. I applaud your strength and courage. And really hope that the adoption process goes quickly for you.


Well, I've been trying really hard to get more rest, and I think I'm actually succeeding a bit! I had a nice, low-key weekend, and was able to sleep, relax, yet still have fun! Saturday was spent with my friend Rachel (who lives in Fredericksburg), and it was awesome! We all grabbed lunch, and then just relaxed and chatted all afternoon. It was so great!

Yesterday, I met up with some of the DC SQ's at Starbucks. It was fantastic to see everyone again, and meet Deanna too! It was great to sit and chat, for 3 whole hours! Again, relaxing, yet fun!

I also managed to get over to Harry and David to pick up some of the Onion and Pepper relish, that makes the most amazing dip for tortilla chips (half a jar, and a brick of cream cheese, blend it up, and YUM!). Anyway, it's my mom's favorite, and I try to get some whenever I'm near the store. I called her on my way in, and she said that she actually had JUST used up her last jar, so it worked out perfectly! I even had a nice, quiet lunch by myself at Noodles and Co. before heading over to the meetup at Starbucks.

And, of course, I had another Gingerbread latte. This makes only 1 day since last thursday that I haven't had one yet. Today will make another. Can't splurge that often!! However, I did forget my CPK leftovers for lunch today, so I do have to run across the street to grab some lunch. I am bummed that I have to work today, when my husband has off, but- at least he's at home getting work done! The toilet in Celia's bathroom seems to be leaking, so he's going to check the seal and replace if necessary. And, he's getting the guest room ready to paint it for the little one's arrival! I can't believe it's only 16 weeks away. I'm still amazed.

Blogger Flame of Fortitude

Wow. Just wow! I was catching up on Bloglines last night, and noticed that Jenna had given out awards to a bunch of IF bloggers. I read on and was so touched to see my name on the list! Thanks Jenna!! I am so honored to be included with such a fantastic group!!

Here is what the award represents- (this is copied from her blog):
"You are receiving this honor because you have embodied perseverance in the face of difficulty and shared the journey of your experiences with others proving that a single voice can both be a light of support and a source or humor for those in the midst of their struggle. You are acknowledged here today for allowing others to share in your personal story and providing camaraderie through the power of your words."

I am so touched. Thank you!!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

It's the most wonderful time of the year!!

Just a few days ago, I posted about how annoying it is that the holidays are literally shoved down our throats nearly 2 months early. Today, I'm going to mention the one exception I have to this. The Starbucks Gingerbread latte. I just went across the street to the bank, and to get a little jolt for the afternoon. Looking at millions of A, T, C, G's in various combinations is enough to make anyone's mind go numb. And that's all I've been doing this week. So today, I decided to splurge and grab a coffee after my trip to the bank (stupid ATM card is cracked, so I had to order a new one). Anyway, I walk in, and it looks like Santa's elves threw up all over the place. Then, I smelled it. My favorite drink in the whole world. Every January, I look forward to the day when they arrive again for the season, and today is that day. So, I ordered my grande version, with full caffeine (just this once!), and took a sip once I was outside. That, my friends, is what made my entire day.

Blogtavism- my story

Here's my story for Blogatavism, for the My Story Project.

I got married in 2002, and was immediately ready to start having kids. My husband preferred to wait a while, considering we had just gotten married, he just got his Masters, we both started new jobs, and moved 2 states (and 8 hours) away from our families. This made absolute sense to me, so we decided to wait about a year and a few months. The first month we tried to get pregnant, it worked! I had a great pregnancy (minus the gestational diabetes), and gave birth to an amazing little girl (Celia), on February 26, 2004. Just 5 days before our 2 year wedding anniversary. After Celia was about 1 year old, we decided to wait until she was closer to 18 months to get pregnant again, assuming it would be just as fast as last time. We decided to start in October, since we'd be going on a cruise that month, so why not make it memorable? The morning of the cruise, I ovulated, and was SO excited with the timing. 2 weeks later I got my first BFN. And it proceeded to be like that until February. At my 6 month checkup with my OB/GYN, he asked how things were going, and since I was ovulating somewhat irregulary, somewhere between 6 and 8 weeks, he wanted to try me on clo.mid to see if it would help regulate me some. My first clomid cycle lasted 13 weeks...and no, I was not pregnant. I was devistated. At around 9 weeks, I called my OB/GYN's office, and was in a bit of a panic. He immediately said that this was NOT a normal reaction to clo.mid, and he wanted to send me for some more testing, at a Super Giant fertility clinic.

My first appointment with my RE was great! He was so optimistic, considering I had one successful pregnancy already. So we did all of the tests, and went back for another consult. He told me that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (explains the irregular ovulating, and tendancy to gain weight easily but not be able to lose it). The next step was to test the hubby, which given his age and health shouldn't be an issue, and then we'd jump into IUIs as soon as we were ready. Since our insurance policy covered IUIs at 50%, we needed to save some cash, and wait until the following year so we could set aside some flexible spending dollars to help compensate. And that's when we got the letter in the mail- my new primary insurance needed a statement from the RE regarding my husband's sperm count, and the likelihood of it working with IUI. That's when my nurse called, asking us to come in for a consult. We had never talked about his semen analysis, so we assumed all was good. Little did we know, it was very, very bad. Extremely low (at 0.6x10^6, or 600,000) with very poor morphology. Not good news. He wanted to repeat the analysis and send hubby to a urologist to see why this was happening. We saw the Urologist, and there was nothing there that would cause such a low count. Now the question comes in- was it this low when we got pregnant with Celia? What changed in the last 4 years? NO IDEA! Anyway, it was on to IVF with ICSI- do not pass go, do not collect $200, without any other optinos.

On the plus side here, IVF was covered by BOTH of our insurance policies at 100%. This made that much easier to swallow, but emotionally, we knew it would be hard. In May 2007, we started our first cycle, only to have it postponed because of cysts. After my next cycle started, things were clear to start. We got a total of 10 eggs (only 3 of which were mature), and we got 5 little embryos out of it. Two of which didn't make it to transfer, and we did a 3 day transfer of 2 of our little embryos. Both took, but a week later, one had clearly stopped growing, leaving 1 healthy baby growing. I'm at nearly 22 weeks now, and without any complications, I should be giving birth, via C- section, in about 16-17 weeks.

Having insurance coverage made this whole experience a lot easier to swallow. When IUI was going to be covered at 50%, we helped fix it with adding a second policy which hopefully would have helped somewhat with the difference. IVF was covered at 100%, as were most of the meds (minus Crinone, which I paid out of pocket for). It helped me to focus on myself, and my husband and daughter throughout treatment. I didn't have to worry about her not being able to continue with gymnastics classes because of money. Or worry about buying her new clothes, or shoes when she needed them. We took a vacation this summer. All things we never would have been able to manage had we had to pay out of pocket. Most importantly, we're going to be giving her the brother or sister she's been asking for for the last year and a half. When we told her about the baby, she was SO excited. Any time we go to a store, she keeps talking about the things she needs to get for "my baby". It's not mine, it's hers. And none of this would have been possible without our insurance coverage. We are so lucky to have our policies, and I wish that everyone else was that lucky. IVF really took it's toll on me, physically and mentally. But I didn't have to worry about money at all, which made that part of it so much easier. I hope that things change some day, and IVF and other infertility treatments get more coverage, so that everyone else has the option to persue treatements without worrying about paying bills, or putting food on the table.

That's my story. I know how lucky I was, and am. I know how different Secondary Infertility is from primary infertility. But it still hurts, and changes you forever.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

hormones suck.

Last night, when I got home from work, I was so tired. I had roasted a chicken on Sunday, and we were going to reheat it for dinner, nice and easy! Until Celia asked very sweetly if we could go to ChickFilA. Of course, I usually would say no, but I was tired. And she has been really good lately at school, listening to her teachers, and being nice to her friends. What a turnaround from a few weeks ago! So, since it was Kids Night, we decided to go. Now last time we went on Kids night, we had no problem getting a table, she got to play in the play area, and make an art project of a necklace. She really loved it. So, we went! And the line was horrible. Nathan let her play in the play area while I ordered the food. I got the food, and there was NO where to sit. Not one single table anywhere. Several people were hogging tables while clearly letting their kids play while they sat. At a 4 person table by themselves. I was really getting annoyed. And upset. Because my daughter, who had been so good, who we had taken out for a "reward" for her good behaviour, and we were going to have to take our food home and eat there. Thankfully the craft person was nice about it and let her take a bookmark home to color, and the other lady painted a flower on her hand quickly. She was so upset, and I felt awful trying to explain why we were leaving. But no one was budging, so we had no choice. I know it was a good lesson for her, that sometimes we don't get what we want, and things don't always work out the way we wnat them to, but it was so hard watching her try to understand why we were leaving. I must have walked around 10 times, looking for signs of anyone getting up. There were a few, but then they'd sit back down at the table. By the time we got back out to the car, I was so frustrated, and nearly in tears. I hate disappointing my daughter, especially when it's out of my control.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Go vote for Mel!!! She's been nominated for the 2007 Weblog award for best Medical/Health Issue blog! Go send her some love by voting every day!!

Sunday, November 4, 2007

It's not christmas yet!!

Yesterday, I had to run to the mall to get Celia a haircut. She's been wanting one for two months now, but really wanted her hair to grow a bit for her Sleeping Beauty halloween costume. So, yesterday was the day. In fact, it was the day of hiarcuts- I finally got one too. Anyways, we walked into Macy's, and were walking down the aisle to leave the store, and she sais "Mommy, this is so silly- It's not christmas time yet!! It's fall!!!". I nearly fell over laughing. She's so funny about that. She can understand things in one month periods. First it was Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years, then Valentines day, then her Birthday, then the baby comes. So for her, the idea that there are christmas decorations everywhere is just ludicrous. And for me too- I still can't believe that there were Christmas decorations all over the malls/stores before Halloween was over. On the plus side, I was able to get some gelt for Hanukkah at the Ghiradelli store.

Friday, November 2, 2007

damn airplanes

I love to travel. Truly! But the one thing I hate is what happens after I'm off an airplane, about 50% of the time. I woke up this morning with a horrible headache and sore throat. And I'm congested. Blech. I'm so not happy right now. And something they don't warn you about, is that when you're pregnant and get sick, it really sucks. You know normally, when you've got a cold or sore throat, it's usually worse at night? Well, picture the "worst" part, and that's how you feel most of the time. Yet it still manages to get worse at night anyways, even though you can't possibly imagine feeling any worse. It just happens. And it sucks. I slept in until 8, but did have to go to work, so I'm here. Running scripts and analyzing the data. Trying to figure things out when my head is in such a fog that I just want to put it down and close my eyes. I feel like total and complete shit. Thankfully, it's friday and tomorrow is the weekend!

Oh, and another thing?? Nathan mentioned when I got home that there might be something wrong with the washing machine, and to pay attention when I ran it. As if I remembered! When he put my clothes in the dryer, there was a layer of water at the bottom, and he had to wring things out. Apparently he looked into it, and it's the agitator. We know this machine is probably 7 or so years old, and that when we bought the house, the previous owner had just had something fixed with it. What, I'm not sure (I seem to remember it being something with the automatic shutoff when you open the lid?), is what the problem is. So, instead of pouring money into it, we decided to buy a new one. Not the one I really want, because we're not staying in this house forever, but a simple unit. Can you believe that the cheapest washer we found with a delicate cycle was nearly 400? Granted, we didn't shop in store, we spent 10 minutes looking into washers last night (thankfully I forgot to cancel my Consumer Reports online membership, so it was easy to find a model we liked. We chose, bought and paid for it in under 10 minutes. Without leaving the house. See, it's all in my attempts to get more rest. Right! But at least we saved $70 (it was on sale through Nov. 1st), AND, it will be delivered tomorrow. So we can still do our laundry this weekend! I'm so thrilled about this, you have no idea.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

OB appt.

I had my next OB appointment this morning, which was a really good thing. After the little "episode" during my walking tour, I was a bit freaked about this shortness of breath thing. We talked a bit, and he seems to think it's all normal. But if the "feeling like I'm going to pass out" happens again, I am to call him immediately. He said that it's my body telling me to slow down and rest more. Not quite sure how the heck I can possibly rest more? I get home from work, lay down on the couch while Celia watches TV. Nathan's been taking over most of the cooking and cleaning. He lets me rest loads on weekends, and takes Celia out to have fun so I can have some quiet. I get tons of rest! I guess we'll have to figure something out though...because I can't function for the next 18 weeks feeling like this. I get up and walk up the stairs, I'm out of breath. I run to the bathroom at work, I'm out of breath. I run to answer the phone at home, I'm out of breath. I go for a walk at work, I'm out of breath, and have trouble talking and walking at the same time. Not such a good thing!

Anyways, the rest was good. I get to do the 24 hour "collection" in 2 weeks, which will make my high risk doc happy. It's going to be gross...peeing in a cup is something I hate. And to have to do it for a whole day just really sucks. But, I should have the results before I go in for my next appointment with the high risk doc, so she'll be happy.

The only other thing I learned, was that apparently in August, my pap came back funny. Not abnormal, but inconclusive. He said it's probably that they didn't have enough cells to run the lab tests. So, I get to have another one at my next appointment. Joy of joys! Another thing to think about.

Now...I'm off to get some work done. And, try to figure out how to get more rest. Any suggestions?