Saturday, February 7, 2009

roller coaster

I feel like I'm stuck on an amusement park ride and can't get off. Seth is sick again. Here's the low down:
The day of his surgery was perfect. He was fabulous! No fever, happy, little crankiness, it was awesome!
The next day, he was perfect in the morning, went to day care, and had a great day. After we put him in bed Wednesday night, he was coughing a bit. We had done some albuterol before he went down, because he was a bit congested and was coughing a little, but not badly. He woke himself up, coughing and a bit wheezy, but nothing bad. So we gave him more albuterol at that point, and he went back to bed. This was a good thing, because I was sick myself at this point. My cold had been lingering for weeks, and my throat was a mess. I went to my Doc a few hours after Seth's surgery on Tues and found out I had strep. So was very sick, and slept ALL day- from 9 until 3. The phone rang twice, I answered, and fell right back to sleep. That's how sick I was.
Thursday morning, he sounded pretty good, but we gave him albuterol anyways. It was off to day care, and off to work (and an OB/GYN appt for me, for my annual, and because I ended up with yet another UTI- seriously this is enough!!). I stayed at work til about 5, and headed home to get the kids. I walked into Seth's room, and they told me he'd been wheezing for the last few hours, but it hadn't gotten bad until about 20 minutes before. I grabbed him, grabbed his sister, and got home to do his albuterol treatment ASAP. It didn't help, and at that point, he was hot. I took his temp, and it was 102.5, so I started to freak a bit. They had said after the surgery if he starts wheezing a lot or gets a fever over 102, or a bunch of other symptoms, to call them or take him to the ER. Given his history, I called his pulmonologists office (Dr R), and called the cell number on there. Thankfully it is a small office, so I spoke to the doc after 2 rings, and he suggested I take him to the ER. Apparently after anesthesia, pneumonia can be a concern. So it was off to the ER for us. 5 hours later, we got home, after ruling out pneumonia, RSV, Flu and Strep. Thankfully we had his follow-up scheduled with Dr R on Friday anyways, so timing couldn't have been better.
Friday morning, I stopped by work to grab my laptop and take care of one thing I had to do for that morning, and then we went to see Dr. R. The nurse was pleased his pulse-ox was so good, considering how he sounded. The doc put him on ora.pred again, because he sounded a bit wheezy and rough even an hour and a half after his neb treatment. And said to call him Monday if he wasn't significantly better.

Through all this, I'm terrified about my job. It has been made known that my working from home so much isn't a good thing. Especially when I haven't been as productive as I usually am. But honestly, when you've got a kid who is sick, screaming when you put him down, and just miserable, what else are you supposed to do?? It's exhausting, stressful, and I spend most of my days worried about him and his breathing. I'm doing the best I can to make progress on a few projects, and realize that in the last few months, I haven't been doing as much as I should be. I'm trying to change that. I've got a system set up for when I'm at home. I have lists, and calendars, and time tables for what I'm doing when, and make sure I have things I can do in 15-30 minute slots, so I don't start something big if I only have a little time. I have NO family here to help. My husband can help sometimes, but not all the time. He tries. But his job is in jeapordy too- especially when they'll likely be out of business this spring. Unless something major happens. So he needs to be present too. And I'm the mom. I worry! If my kid is sick, wheezing non-stop, feverish, and irritable, if I'm not there, I can't focus on anything but him. That is my issue, but it's still there. My kids are my priority, and that is just how it is. I think what upset me the most was getting an e-mail yesterday, as I'm sitting in the waiting room for Dr R, saying that I need to get more done before it effects my performance. That I need to be careful. What the hell am I supposed to do the day after my son has been in the ER?! There was NO way I could take him to day care after having a higher fever like that. And with his breathing so bad, there was no way they'd even take him if I tried. That is neglectful. I'm really at a loss for what to do. The surgery was PLANNED. I took the day off for that. The day after was up in the air anyways, depending on how the surgery went. I did not plan to get strep throat and feel so crappy. I didn't plan that at all. I still went in the next day, even though I had a nasty UTI, and felt like dying still. I was there. And I got a crapload done. I was home yesterday, and the baby was so sick, he slept from 11 til 3:45, and I was able to work basically from 10:30 til 4:30. My husband had come home 2 hours early so I could at least get a little work done in the afternoon. I got more done last night. I'll do more today. What else can I do?? I was aware of the problem after I came home from Miami. I have done all I can to fix it. It's not like I"m having fun being at home, and having a sick kid. I hate having to pump him full of drugs and steroids and antibiotics all the time. He's misreable. It's exhausting. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. And now I'm afraid of losing my job because of this. I've been there for 6 and a half years. Almost 7 years. And during most of that time my performance and productivity have been high (or at least my supervisors have all been happy with me, and my work). After a few months of dealing with a sick kid and being sick myself several times, yes- I admit that my productivity has been lower. How could it not be? But does a few months of lower quantity wipe out 6 plus years of high? I just don't know what to do here. The stress of this is overwhelming, and I still have my son to take care of. Not cool.