Celia's turn

Yesterday morning, Celia got up at 6:30, and Nathan plopped her in front of the TV. Baby got up shortly after, I fed him upstairs and watched some TV. She came up around 8:30, and said she didn't feel good, but her temp felt ok (a little warm, but not hot). I made waffles, had her go get Nathan out of bed, and she came back up. Nathan asked me if I could take a look at her, and she was definitely warm by then (102F). The rest of the afternoon was filled with children's chewable ad.vil, her sleeping on the couch, watching TV, and crying because her whole body hurt and her eyes hurt. Bu dinner, it was up to 104.2F. She relaxed all evening, and went to bed without a fight. At 1, she came back down, now with a 105.2F temp, so more adv.il and back to sleep. This morning, it was still up, but not as high (102 again). I did take her to the doc, because she's had a cough and I wanted to make sure her lungs were clear. Looks like a virus (probably Roseola), with the high temp and fast onset. We're to expect 2-3 more days of fever, and then likely a rash. Gotta love childhood viruses. At least it's not something that will get me sick! I just REALLY hope that the baby doesn't get this one too. I have NO time left at work, and am working from home today (or at least trying to as much as possible). Poor kiddo, is just miserable, even on the ad.vil. It breaks my heart. At least I get to hold her, and give her hugs and kisses like crazy.

Other than that, we had a great weekend! My friend K from the lab I worked in throughout undergrad and grad school, just moved down here. She's my shopping buddy, drinking buddy, food buddy, and I've really missed her a lot! She just graduated from law school (and already had her PhD in Microbiology from my old lab), and is down here for a job after she passes the bar. I'm so excited she's here!! We dropped off a bed to her (since she's a temporary apartment in Baltimore for now) to borrow until she moves to a permanent place near DC. I know she's going to be crazy busy studying, but it will be nice to get to see her when she's in need of a break. I used to go to great restaurants, see shows, and go shopping with her. I am SO excited she's here! Have I said that enough yet?! Anyway, we saw her place in Baltimore, which was cool. Right in the city! Then the fam and I headed over to another friend's place in Columbia for a picnic. Loads of fun to see some people I hadn't seen in a while.

Yesterday I became quite aware that I really do need to be on the Lex.apro. I went grocery shopping yesterday morning, and was looking forward to a whole hour to myself. I left, and got to the store fine, grabbed a skinny vanilla latte at Starbucks and headed for the pharmacy to get my script refilled. Then I started shopping, and all of a sudden I felt extremely alone. And very sad. And VERY alone. I shopped as quickly as I could, and got the hell out of there. I felt off all afternoon, even after I got home. If I'm still reacting like that after starting the meds a few weeks ago, I can't imagine what I'd be feeling without them. I really hate this.

On another note, I did get to take a good nap yesterday afternoon. I crashed at 2, and Nathan woke me up at 5. Apparently I was really tired! Naps are such a good thing. Now I'm off to figure out a plan for some work things. Provided Celia will let me, that is!

Too much fun!!!

Ok, so I never posted about my mothers day present. Or if I did, I never went into how much I LOVE it!! We were at Costco a week before Mothers day, and they had a game that I've been wanting for the Wii. That game is Guitar Hero. I've always loved music, and played violin for a few years when I was little, and then switched to Clarinet in sixth grade, which I played through high school. Music has always come very easily to me. SO, I decided I had to have it, because it looked like fun! I opened it up on Mothers day, and within 5 days, I had won the easy career level with only getting booed off during one song (and it was on the last level). Last Saturday I decided why not try the medium levels songs? So I started playing the "quickplay" version, which wasn't so bad! Then I had to try medium career level. I have gotten through a few levels each night since then, and now I'm on the final level of the medium set. It's so much fun! And I love the music. And you get to battle Slash!! How awesome is that?! I suppose I forgot to mention that I was a huge metal fan in middle school and high school.

So that's how I have been spending my evenings after the kiddos are in bed. And I'm loving it! And now it's my turn again...off to play some more!

Nothing happened.

Last night, Nathan went to put the fan on (the house fan), and nothing happened. So he tried to turn on the heat. And nothing happened. This morning, he's working from home, waiting for someone from the heat/AC repair place to come look at our unit(s) and see what the heck is going on here. At least it happened now, and not in July! It is always something though. After spending 5K on our bathroom remodel, now we have to have our HVAC unit repaired. Just my luck.

EDITED: Well, the guy came to look at it, and apparently our cleaning lady shut off the emergency shut off. It cost $99 to diagnose the problem, and $4 to flip the switch. Gotta love it! Thank goodness it wasn't something major! I would have cried.

unlucky 13?

Today, my boy turned 13 weeks old. My how time has flown! And his fever is gone! It was actually gone by last night. Thank goodness! I did hear back from the pediatrician around 6:30 or so last night, saying that his CBC was normal, and that they expected the urine and blood cultures to be normal as well. So it was likely a virus he picked up at daycare. Thank you day care! He gets to go back tomorrow. Any guesses on how long it will take him to get sick next? I'm guessing 3 weeks.

And today, also brought the return of AF. Damn cramps! It was "nice" to realize that it didn't mean anything more than a return to "normalcy". That it wasn't because of a failed cycle, or bleeding during pregnancy. It was just what it was. If that makes any sense at all. I wonder if I'll ever stop thinking of the time between my cycles in any other way? They're cycles! Today is CD1. Even though I can never get pregnant again. It's still CD1 in my head. It's going to take a lot of time to change the way I think about things.

3 sticks later...

My poor baby was stuck 3 times today! I took him to the pediatrician this morning, and of course, he's got a fever, but nothing else appears to be wrong. But since he's so young, they like to be extra sure there's nothing major going on. They do two things to make sure- one is a urine culture, and the other is bloodwork/blood culture. The urine culture was horrible, they used a catheter and got it out of him that way. Then we went to the lab for bloodwork. Let me tell you how NOT fun that was! We waited for an hour to get called back. When we got back, they tried sticking each arm, before admitting defeat. Poor Seth was screaming his head off, and they told us to go to the hospital, where they have more experience with babies. Usually they do heel sticks, but since the doc wanted a blood culture, it had to be from a vein? I think. Whatever! At any rate, after the lab failed, I called the doc to see what they wanted me to do, and he did say to go to the lab at the hospital, and that he'd fax over the orders for me. We waited more while they got our insurance approval (apparently they didn't want to, and couldn't understand why the lab couldn't get any blood out). When we finally got called back, the lady who was going to do his draw decided she didn't want to risk it because she wasn't sure she could do it in one try. Then the head of the lab came in and got it right away. I felt horrible for Seth, he just screamed and screamed, and nothing I did was helping. Now I sit and wait for the phone call from the pediatrician telling me what is wrong with Seth. Our guess is that it's just a virus that he picked up at day care (after only 2 weeks there!!). He's still got a fever, and is crashed out in his swing. I need to go wake him, feed him (since he hasn't eaten since 7:30), and curl up with him and take a nap. Since a sick baby doesn't make for a good night sleep (can you say 4 hours total?).

one down...

Thankfully my first week back was pretty busy, so I didn't have too much time to dwell on things. I sat in meetings ALL day wednesday, thursday and friday, and they were pretty productive, so I'd call it a successful week. It was good when the weekend came though! I really missed getting to actually spend time with my little guy every day! Most nights, he was in bed early, so I didn't get to spend time with him. Today though, I curled up with him and slept for 2 hours this afternoon. It was wonderful! I absolutely love taking naps with my guy. The only downside, was waking up, and realizing that he has a fever. I thought he felt warm before we took our nap, but I figured it was because he had dosed off a bit beforehand. Doesn't look like that was it though. I took his temperature, and it was up to 101.7. Hopefully it will go down fast, he's definitely been cranky, and sleeping all afternoon (even with our 2 hour nap!). Poor baby.

back to the grind

Today was my first day back at work, and man was it crazy! We have collaborators coming in from the UK and several other places tomorrow for 3 days of meetings. Talk about diving right in! At least it did keep me busy, which was a plus. Now all I can hope is that Seth lets me sleep more than 3 hours in a row tonight. I'm so TIRED. And of course, as I type that, he woke up. Just as I was ready to close down and go to bed. Sigh.

Let's just say that I'll be drinking a LOT of coffee over the next few days.

Therapy

Yup, I'm back in therapy. The October after I had Celia, I started feeling out of control, like I was losing my mind, and I was just not happy. At all. I'd cry at the drop of a hat, nothing I did made me happy, and I noticed that I was spending less time with Celia (leaving her at daycare after I got home from work). I remember calling my GPs office at that point, and I saw the nurse practitioner, who gave me the name of a therapist, and a prescription for Lex.apro.

This time, I knew what signs to look for. And this time, they were all different. I have been off, definitely sad. I have a tendency to spend money when I'm in a funk (buying new things makes me happy). But now it isn't helping. I've been crying a lot when watching TV, and so focused on tomorrow's date that I can't think of much else. The anxiety surrounding going back to work has been horrible. I have not been myself for at least 6 weeks, but I didn't think much of it. Until last week when the anxiety kicked in big time. So I found my insurance company's website and found a few therapists to call. The first one I called, referred me to someone else, who deals with PPD and other related issues frequently. So I called there and made an appointment. I was going to call a few others, but it turns out that the person I spoke with on the phone was the person I'd be seeing, and I really felt comfortable talking with her over the phone. So I decided to wait until after my appointment to call others if necessary. I saw N on Wednesday morning, and she is fantastic. We talked for over an hour and a half, and I left feeling like a weight had lifted. One thing I was stressing over was wether or not to take the Lex.apro again. I have had the bottle sitting in my purse since I saw my GP in March. And I keep looking at it and wondering if I needed it or not. N and I both decided that it would be a good idea to start it now, since it takes a bit to take effect, and the anxiety is getting worse. We talked about my history, nearly everything that I could think of to give her a good picture of who I am and why I was there. It felt great to talk to someone who offered insight on things. I'll be seeing her again this week (and every week for a bit), and I'm looking forward to it. I've been anxious since I can remember, and it will be nice to get a hold on it. And of course, depression makes the anxiety even more harder to control.

last week

My last full week before going back to work went. I hated being away from Seth and Celia, but it had to be done. Now he's there full time, and seems to be doing really well. And the bonus is that one of his lead teachers is one that Celia had in the 3 year old classroom, and she's fantastic. I've been trying to keep myself busy, and treating myself daily. Monday, I had fun with L and her kids. Tuesday I went for a massage, got Celia and we had a fun afternoon with L and her kids. Wednesday I ran some errands and met N, my new therapist (who seems great, and will be a post of it's own), and saw a movie (Made of honor, which I really enjoyed!). Thursday I got a manicure/pedicure, had lunch with my husband, took a 2 hour nap, and then got the kids and went over to L's house for dinner/playdate. Today, I did some serious shopping. I hit all of my favorite stores (J. Jill, Ann Taylor, Macy's, Crate and Barrel), and got some really great things. And I got to pick up the portraits of Celia, Seth, and the two of them that I had taken a few weeks ago. Productive. Busy. All in an attempt to keep my mind off the fact that I really miss my kids.

ok

Seth did great today! He slept, ate, and Celia came to visit and gave him hugs and kisses. I made it until 2:15 before picking him up, so I'm pretty proud of myself for that.

I met up with my friend and her kids for breakfast, then we took the kids to the playground. After a walk around the "lake", we had lunch at Rio Grande, complete with a margarita (on the rocks, with salt). It is Cinco de mayo after all! Got home and the bathroom is getting closer to being done! All tile is grouted, and tomorrow it should hopefully be done! I can't believe how fast it's going!

I did finally get up the nerve to call and make an appointment with a therapist. I meet her on Wednesday, so we'll see how it goes. The anxiety is getting way worse, and I"m just not in a good place right now. I'm trying hard, but it's not working. So hopefully this will help.

first day

Well, I just got back from dropping Seth at day care. I didn't cry, yet. I did tear up a few times though.

Some things have changed- they aren't allowed to prepare bottles (I used to leave cans of formula with them and they'd make them), so I had to do that when I got there. And I didn't have caps either (they used to leave the clean bottles in the kids cubby and make them as needed). So I have to wash caps tonight so he has plenty- at least 4 bottles per day. I'm hoping to make it until about 2 before caving and picking him up, but we'll see how it goes. I'm meeting a friend and her 2 kids for breakfast over at the Rio, so hopefully that will distract me for a while. Hopefully.

I'm just really sad. I know that I have to work, and I do like my job for the most part. But after being home with Seth for 11 weeks, I don't want to let go of him. It's way too soon, and I'm just not ready. I want more time with my little boy.

Tomorrow

We had a great trip up to Buffalo, but it is good to be home. We made it up to Niagara Falls so Celia could see them, which she loved, and then headed up to Niagara-on-the-lake, where I bought 8 bottles of wine (6 of which are the same, my favorite Cab. franc). I forgot how much I love that town! I need to go back up there with Nathan again sometime. Thursday I flew home with my mom and the kids, and yesterday my mom and I went to the Maryland Sheep and Wool festival, which was AMAZING! I spent loads of cash, and brought home tons of yarn and spinning fiber. Yeah!! Now if only I could find time to knit or spin!

I did come home to a partially done bathroom! It got demo'd monday, and he started on tuesday. By thursday, the tile around the tub was mostly done, and now the tub is nearly done and the floor is down. He expects to be done by TUESDAY! I can't wait!

Tomorrow is Seth's first day of day care. I'm really not sure how I feel about this, and we'll see how it goes. I still have to get all of his stuff together. I can't believe he's already starting day care. Time goes by so fast. ;(