Friday, June 8, 2007

I ovulated! And an anger rant...

As I expected, the phone call came tuesday afternoon to inform me that I did ovulate! Now all I'm doing is waiting for AF to show up, and then we can attempt to get started again. My fingers are all crossed that there are no more cysts and that my E2 level is good on day 2.

I've had a long week. Work has been...long. Lots of meetings, telling us what to expect, that some of our group are leaving, that some are staying...and they really want us to stick around. There are things for us to do, and they don't want to lose us. We'll see how things happen. I have yet another meeting this afternoon with more management. But then...I have my acupuncture appointment, AND I have a friend's hubby coming by to babysit so hubby and I can go out for the evening. It's been a few months, and we really need to get out. The plan is to hit Melting Pot for dinner, then maybe see a movie after dinner if there is time. Ocean's 13 is just out, and I can't wait to see it. I really love Las Vegas, and that obsession only got solidified more after my first visit there in January. I wish I could go back soon!

Anyway, it's been an OK week. Lots of things to keep me busy. Yesterday afternoon after listening to a few knitting podcasts, and doing some surfing over at one of my favorite online shops (The Loopy Ewe, I splurged and put in an order...for 5 skeins of sock yarn. I know it's going to be coming soon, and I'll be instantly happy then. It should come in while AF is on the verge, so that will be a nice distraction. Yarn always makes me happy.

I've been pretty angry this week. Angry about my infertility, angry with myself for being angry, angry at others for not understanding the anger... Just plain angry. I still feel like this is all a nightmare. Like I'm going to wake up any minute, and find myself healthy, and pregnant. I did it once, why can't it just happen again?! What changed in the last 4 years that would have effected my hubby's count?? NOTHING. What changed in my cycles? Nothing. How the hell did it happen before, exactly 4 years ago?? CD1 for that cycle was June 1, 2003...and when I tested on June 27th, it was positive, as clear as day. I remember walking into my office that morning, beaming, and being so excited. Will I ever get to feel that way again? Will I ever see the 2 pink lines again? I just want to jump up and down, point at my daughter and say "But it happened before?! Why not now?!". I'm a good mom, Celia is happy, healthy, and incredible. I can't help but wonder if I'm being punnished for something? Maybe for not christening my daughter like my MIL wanted me to (hello- I'm jewish..not practicing, but still!). I don't know! I know it sounds completely irrational, but right now- I'm mad. I'm sure it will pass, but for now, I'm going to continue being angry. Sometimes life just isn't fair! I wish it was OK for a grown woman to sit, cry, and pound her fists against a pillow and saying "but it's not fair!".

Ok...rant over. Sorry for being so negative today. I'm glad the weekend is here.